


Whom the Scarecrow calls

by temarcia



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Comedy, Education, Gen, Humor, Parody, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 11:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16367327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/temarcia/pseuds/temarcia
Summary: Some villains got a calling and some just don't have what it takes...





	Whom the Scarecrow calls

**Author's Note:**

> A little parody of the villains meeting in the Arkham Knight game but happening in Batman TAS-vers. Enjoy!

It started with the meeting. Everyone was there, everyone important anyway...

Professor Crane in his Scarecrow costume was walking back and forth with barely suppressed energy, mustering the illustrious group that had assembled on his call. He had told them, he had a plan so the Gotham rogues showed up in the underground tunnel system beneath the Gotham University campus, just as he wanted.

A polite knock on the door announced the last guest who had still been missing.

Harvey Dent strode in, as if he owned the place, like he had into so many courtrooms before his... accident.

"You are late," Scarecrow grumbled.

"We couldn't decide what to wear for this occasion." The 'normal' half of Two-face shrugged.

Scarecrow rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Fine, fine, just sit down so we can start!"

The poorly lit room reminded of an actual classroom with multiple desks and chairs placed in there, probably by Scarecrow's thugs, for the rogues to make themselves comfortable. Two-face walked around the desk of Poison Ivy who gave them a passionately poisonous glare and then returned to examining her nails, Harley Quinn who sat on the top of her desk also ignored them and kept swinging her legs back and forth. They skirted around the Riddler, who was leaning back on his chair with his feet on his desk, and took a seat next to the Penguin. Crane stood in front of the blackboard just like a teacher and if not for a lack of windows, the presence of water pipes and a big boiler at the back of the room, Harvey would have felt almost like they were back to his schooldays – mean girls, nerds, and bullies – all checked. All that was missing was the Big Bad Harv granting them detention.

Professor Crane let his gaze sweep over his ‘guests’.

“Now that you have finally gathered, I welcome you to our little meeting. Though sadly not all of us could be here today…” He paused, looking for something on his teacher's desk. “Our dear colleague Mr. Freeze sent us a postcard from the Arctic.” He held up a photo, showing Victor Freeze, sitting in a lounge chair in a bright red Hawaiian shirt, a frozen drink with an umbrella in one hand, a neon-orange surfboard to his left and an iceberg in the background. “He writes…”

They didn't get to find out what Victor had written. The sudden sounds of a fight, cries of pain, and general commotion announced that someone was coming. Scarecrow sighed and reached for his fear gas, Penguin for his umbrella, Two-face pulled out two mismatched guns from somewhere under his fancy two-color suit, Harley jumped to her feet happily taking her mallet in both hands. Riddler didn't even bother to move, just raised his eyebrow.

They didn't have to wait long until the door slammed open.

“Scarecrow, old friend! I think you forgot to send me an invitation.” Grinning wildly, the Joker waltzed in, a crowbar in his hand and few red stains on his purple suit. “I'm not dead yet, you know...”

“Oh, Mr. J! Over here! Over here! The chair next to mine is still free!” Harley had dropped her mallet as soon as she had identified the intruder and was now happily waving at her puddin'.

Ivy leaned over to her from her own table and inquired accusingly. “Did you tell him about our meeting?”

“Me? No? Why would I?” Harleen defended herself though not very convincingly.”

It didn’t really matter, the damage was done. Scarecrow faced their unwanted guest saying calmly: “I didn't 'forget', you were simply... not meeting my requirements to be the part of this conference,”, his hand still on his toxin just in case but the clown had already invited himself in, and was now strolling between the desks, checking who else was present.

“Requirements, hmm? What do you mean? If Eddie is here, you surely didn't set the bar too high.”

“Riddle me this, Joker – what do we all have that you have not, have never seen and likely will never have?” The Riddler asked but before the other could reply, he continued. “Oh, this one might be a bit too hard for you. Let me help you.” And with that, he pulled a document out of his green suit jacket with a triumphant smirk. As he did so, every single occupant of the room followed his example, waving similar documents of their own.

The Joker narrowed his eyes and brought his face closer to read the paper that Riddler held in front of his nose. “The University of Gotham,” he read aloud, slowly, word by word, surprise and distrust written all over his white face.

„I told Joe – who apparently made unfortunate close acquaintance with your crowbar – to only let guests inside who brought a copy of their graduation papers,” Scarecrow kindly explained.

Joker laughed mockingly. “Copies? Really? And they all just complied?” He looked around the class as if not believing it.

Penguin just shrugged and waved his deformed hand. “Professor Crane turned out to be...persuasive.”

“Those are not even originals!” Joker went on, clearly irritated. “And yours is surely a fake, Nygma! I never heard anyone calling you the Riddle Doctor!”

The smile on Riddler's face grew even wider. “Actually, since I have a master degree in IT, that makes me...” he made a dramatic pause. “The Riddle Master!”

The sounds of annoyance, loud exhaling, and muffed scoffs could be heard in the classroom. And if rolling your eyes could make a sound, there would be that too. There also was a distinct giggle which made Joker turn his head sharply to the responsible party.

Harley Quinn quickly slapped a hand over her mouth. “Oopsie. Sorry, Mr. J. That pun wasn’t actually that funny.”

Joker wasn’t even listening to her. “Fine. Harvey has graduated from some law school obviously, and I don’t know which tombola Harleen won but ok, she has a degree. But Cobblepot? Seriously? Since when was he ever an academic?” he snarled at Scarecrow accusingly. “We all know old Pengers would rather pay some egg-head to write a thesis for him, then bribe the commission to get him that damn document.”

He pointed his long finger at the Penguin who had been sitting further in the back. Oswald swatted that finger away with his umbrella.

“And this is where you’re wrong, my colloquial friend. Last year, during my stay at Blackgate I found myself rather bored, so I decided to do something useful with my time. The title of my master thesis is: ‘Endangered bird species of the Galapagos islands’ by the way.”

“Ah, Right!” Scarecrow ignored the flabbergasted Joker to fish around for the postcard again. “Mr. Freeze wrote he collected the data and photos of the mating behavior of the arctic auks you wanted for your next article in ‘Birds of the world’, while setting up his freezray, Oswald.”

Penguin actually beamed at hearing that news. “Magnificent!” he clasped his hands together.

“That reminds me, Ozzy...“ Ivy cut in, “would you be interested in publishing a shared article about the preferred flowers of the broad-tailed hummingbird in the New Mexico area?”

“You know I am always willing to proofread and check whether all your references are valid,” Two-face threw into the ongoing discussion about the benefits of multi-author articles.

Joker couldn't believe his ears, the rogues actually started to chat about their silly, little, academic articles as if they all were some sort of science club! And here he was, the Clown Prince of Crime, the Master of Mischief and no one even paid attention to him! He slowly began to think that he really didn't fit in anymore... Not with those highly-educated hiccups. That stupid Bag-head, Scarecrow called in that many criminal masterminds and for what? To discuss who wrote what about the birds and the flowers? That wasn't even funny! Perhaps it would be, if only it wasn’t so ...lame.

“If you're bored, Joker, you can escort yourself to the exit,” Crane waved at the general direction of the door, “but if you want to learn something, I'll allow you to stay this one time. Just sit down and be quiet.”

Clenching his fists and trembling with anger, Joker stormed toward Scarecrow. “No, thank you, Professor...” he uttered grinding his teeth. “Come on, Harley!”

But Harley wasn’t responding, she was cooing at some of the bird and flower photos Ivy was now showing around.

Joker just growled under his breath and intended to step toward his henchgirl to grab her by the pigtails and drag her out of the classroom but the critical look that Scarecrow threw him, made him change his plans. He raged out of the room, slamming the door behind himself.

~Oh, you just wait, Crane. When Bats hears of this, your little club will be done for!~

\- # -

Outside, the man that was supposed to guard the entrance to the re-purposed storage room, was getting back on his shaky legs just now. Seeing the Joker and his crowbar made him flinch.

“Can you believe it?! Those academic snobs ignored me! ME! They don’t understand a true genius when he stands before them!” The crazy clown wailed throwing a companionable arm around the goon’s shoulders. “But you understand that a man doesn’t need to have graduated to be brilliant, don’t you, Joey?”

“It’s Joe… and actually, I have a bachelor in electronics… …just saying.”

\- # -

If the rogues in the classroom weren't so busy discussing their thesis, articles and other achievements, they might have even heard the muffled screams coming from the other side of the door.


End file.
